whaaaat?

I’m going to the cities on Tuesday! 
Super excited to finally meet her :) 

First of all, I’m not expecting anyone to read this. I just need to sort things out.

   My senior year of high school was pretty hard for me. From the start of the year I could feel some friendships falling apart. I watched the one person, I used to be able to call my best friend, change right before my eyes. I’ve always had problems keeping friends through my whole life. The beginning of senior year I lost my friend of 4 years to a different group of people. It doesn’t seem like such a big issue, but that was the longest I’ve ever had a friend for. 

   I keep thinking of what I could have done differently to still be friends with her. I could have not quit Vocal Point (a select choir). It was my idea, and we quit together. That would have been the only class we had together. Sure, we were still in some plays together, but it still wasn’t the same. I could have not gotten so frustrated hearing her talk to these other girls about how excited they are to be going to the same college together and stay in a dorm together. The truth is, I was jealous and angry that my friend was being taken away from me. When I expressed my feelings is when it caused the real problems. I had no idea where to go from there. I didn’t really have a group anymore.

   I didn’t even have a spot in the lunch room. It may not seem like such a big problem, but this was before I was treated for depression and anxiety. Holding my plate of food standing in a room full of people but yet no where to sit. Too afraid to even sit by acquaintances I retreated to eat in the art room. Two of my friends eventually joined me. I finally found my spot. Yet was looked at as a weirdo for eating in the art room. But there I wasn’t judged on who I was, my actions, or what I ate. But from here it went down hill. I started to get used to being in the corner away and unseen from others. I skipped some math classes just so I wouldn’t have to face certain people. 

   As the year went on, I barely showed up to other classes. I’d stay in the art room as much as I could. After a certain incident at a school dance, which I’m still kind of foggy what actually happened or what was said to me, I had a harder time.  This whole time people thought I was saying bad things about them but I never did. All I did was tell my friend to be careful of my ex-friend (of 4 years), who he liked, because I heard of her saying mean things about him. I was just protecting a friend and then shit got crazy where I was confronted at sweetheart. Long story short, the night ended in tears and unresolved problems. I became so depressed, but tried so hard to hide it. At night, I would stop at fast food places get a bunch of food just sit in my car eating it and crying. I felt like I had no one to talk to. Or at least anyone that would understand. 

Towards the end of senior year, I wouldn’t even show up to school. Or if I did, I would come halfway through the day. I eventually stopped checking in with the attendance office because she just would get angry every time I came in late. 

All of this pressure was just building up inside me. And to put on top of all this stupid drama that I somehow got involved in, I was dealing with my own issues. Later I found out that I have depression and anxiety. Just recently I was diagnosed with ADHD. Also, halfway through the year, I finally accepted the fact that I was gay. You hear about people having to come out to other people, but you never thought about coming out to yourself. That is one of the hardest parts. It took me 3 years to finally say to myself “I’m Gay”. Finally knowing how it feels like, I feel like it’s a slap in the face when people say “Are you sure?” or “How do you know?”. Believe me, I didn’t “decide” over night.

Now we get to the end of this whole long story, and I’d be surprised if you’re still reading this. The point of all this is that I had a lot of issues were going on yet my grades weren’t even that bad. I barely did shit. Especially last semester. I had a terrible time trying to focus in class, but my grades weren’t horrible so it wasn’t an alarming issue. But, I came across my report card, from senior year, tonight. My GPA’s were 3.575, 3.925, 3.175, and 3.4 Averaging at about 3.52. My lowest final grade I got was a B-. 

I should feel proud that I did this good. Especially for how little I put into my classes. But all I feel is disappointment and frustration. What if I had the medication that I have now that makes me feel so much better about myself. And medication that actually helps me focus and get things done. I feel like I wasted my whole high school years. Who knows how good I could have been if I had medicine. Would I have been a straight A student? Could I have done 10x better on tests? Would I have pursued a career in Architecture? Would I be the person I am today?

Well, Is it too late to make things better?

Even though others may have a head-start on their future, I’m going to try my damn hardest to become something amazing, and something worth living for. 

Looking back, I wouldn’t change anything, because I love who I am today. And I love the friends I have made. I truly love them with everything inside me. 

And nothing will ever take that away from me. 

And I’m not going to show them to anyone. 

I want to keep them for myself. 

I just finished “The Hunger Games” 

It has to be the best book I’ve ever read.  

Breathing in so much Sharpie fumes is starting to give me a headache..

yeesh.